SCENARIO: "CAT EXPERT"
GENRE: Short comedic sketch.
CHARACTERS:
• IRINA SERGEEVNA — Strict HR manager.
• ANTON — A candidate, slightly odd, but confident.
INTERIOR. OFFICE OF THE COMPANY "MEGA-MIAU". IRINA SERGEEVNA'S OFFICE.
(IRINA SERGEEVNA is sitting at the desk. In front of her is a folder with resumes. ANTON enters.)
IRINA SERGEEVNA
(Looks at the clock)
Anton, hello. Please take a seat. We received your resume for the position of Chief Cat Expert. A unique position.
ANTON
(Sits down, smiling)
Irina Sergeevna, not just unique. It’s a calling. I’ve been working towards this my whole life.
IRINA SERGEEVNA
(Reviews the resume)
I see. "Work experience: 15 years of communication with the cat Barsik. Achievements: developed the 'System for determining mood by whisker movement'." Interesting.
ANTON
It’s a patented method. 95% accuracy. Barsik will demonstrate.
IRINA SERGEEVNA
(Seriously)
Anton, our company is a leader in pet food production. We need a specialist who understands feline psychology. Here’s... the situation. You see a cat sitting in a box. What do you do?
ANTON
(Leans forward, confidentially)
Irina Sergeevna, are you testing me on quantum mechanics?
IRINA SERGEEVNA
Excuse me?
ANTON
The cat in the box! Schrödinger's principle! It is both sleeping and not sleeping at the same time. My actions? I quietly close the door and leave.
IRINA SERGEEVNA
(Frowns)
Why?
ANTON
You cannot disturb its existential balance. Otherwise, it may decide that you are its personal alarm clock. And cats do not like alarm clocks. That’s basic.
IRINA SERGEEVNA
(Writes something down)
Understood. Second question. The cat looks you straight in the eyes and slowly blinks. What does that mean?
ANTON
(Enthusiastically)
Oh, that’s a "slow blink"! The highest expression of trust. It says: "I love you and do not see you as a threat, but if you go get food now, I would be grateful".
IRINA SERGEEVNA
And if it pushes your laptop off the table?
ANTON
(Slowly, with understanding)
That means it noticed that the laptop occupies the perfect spot for a nap. It sacrifices your work for its comfort. This is not aggression; it’s space capitalization. And I should apologize for placing my laptop there.
IRINA SERGEEVNA
(Closes the folder. Looks directly at Anton)
Anton. We need a person who can establish the logistics of supply in the pet food tasting department. Not... a cat philosopher.
ANTON
(Stands up, approaches the door. Turns around, his voice becomes low and ominous)
I should have warned you. Barsik, as soon as he found out I didn’t get this job... he was very displeased.
(ANTON quickly leaves. IRINA SERGEEVNA is left alone. On the table, where her favorite cactus lay a moment ago, there is only an empty space. The cactus is gone.)
IRINA SERGEEVNA
(Slowly, into the void)
...Space capitalization?
(THE END)